So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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