Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
