her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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