I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
