Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
