hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
