i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
