I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
