there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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