Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
