i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
