You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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