i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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