i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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