That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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