why didn't you poke me back
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
