seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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