he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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