My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
