he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
