bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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