look no pants
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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