Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The uberlube is also flammable
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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