LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
