I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Randomize
