After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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