I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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