trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
