My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
