Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
