also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
