god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
