i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
