Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
