I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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