btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
