a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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