True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
