I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
