PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
