You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
