You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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