All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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