my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
