A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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