Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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