We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
