Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
