she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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