i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
