I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
