i need an iv and a liver transplant
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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