Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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