I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
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