Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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