We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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