Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
