just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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