All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
